In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
well this is just bullshirt
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Dishonest mechanic?
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
