In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do