In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
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You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.