Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Probably my best painting.

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

Orange cat behavior 😂

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.