Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are