“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.