In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
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Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
She might be a genius
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
me when i smell free food in the break room
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.