In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
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Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Grandpa
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot