In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
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Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk