Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go