Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

honey, bring out the fine china.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.