In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My Guy
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
A classic…
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs