Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it