In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
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Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
could’ve been anyone
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
What personal space?
My dog
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.