In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding