Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

rebranding

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Happy thanksgiving!

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”