In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
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friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Said the murderer.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I’m awake but I object,
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?