Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*