Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.