In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
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Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
can’t bark with your mouth full
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
God tier horse name today on the sims
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.