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@floydimus

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

@jackmackenroth

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

@Only_Fast_Eddie

People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.

@ShoutingGoddess

A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:

I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.

@elle91

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

@chrissyteigen

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

@NoogsCorner

That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.

@girlnarly

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–