The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
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Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Breaking news:
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy