Love is in the air fryer.
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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.