In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
You know I’m something of a chef myself
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!