In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
You Might Also Like
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.