In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!