In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
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I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
At an art museum and I thought this was art
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Aaaa…CHOO!
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
This makes total sense…
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.