Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs