Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

This is why I hate group projects

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

RT if you know someone like this!!!

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes