Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there