Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

dead inside

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.