In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.