Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
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People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.