My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
You Might Also Like
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
he was correct
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed