@Lisa_Laughs_

In order to prepare for the future, I’m going to practice wearing adult diapers. But only when I’m drinking.

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@iGreenMonk

My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.

@Not_From_Troy

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

@tayandmae

According to my current parking spot I’m a physician

@aimlessamers

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

@david8hughes

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

@djdarrellripley

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

@heat_packingDr

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

@JediGigi

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!