Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.