In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Ok but actually
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Nose
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.