In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!