In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
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Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday