Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?