in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
life lately
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.