Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
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I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.