Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

I can’t stop watching this.

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants