in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
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how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Bruh PLEASE
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”