in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
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me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Oh hi lol
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist