In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.