In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
could’ve been anyone
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom