In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Went to the spa* this morning!
*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle
What the hell is going on?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
who wants to go expliring
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.