In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread