Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.