In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Selfie
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*offers Batman cough drops*
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun