In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
This kid will have a bright future.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.