In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My Sentiments Exactly
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.