In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
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Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be