In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
It’s an epidemic…
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
grandpa was shocked
*launders Kohls cash*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate