In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I’m too immature for adultery.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.