In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
You Might Also Like
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Cha-ching is my safe word
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
i like to flex on them by shrugging