In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.