In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
You Might Also Like
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Yup
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.