In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
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me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk