In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
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starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Anyone really
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.