Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

it must be school picture day

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.