[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
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Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My favorite female superhero
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Matt Goss
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.