[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
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I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
When they try to steal your moment.
this is funnier than any friends episode
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
