*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
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How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Spring cleaning checklist…
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad