*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
dictator is short for richard potato
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.