*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
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Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.