In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Trying
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF