Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reminder:

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

Check out the legs on this baby

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

“Worm Regards”

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”