In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
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*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.