in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
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Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.